John Tortorella Named Head Coach of Tucson Rock Lobsters Youth Program

TUCSON, AZ — In a shocking twist that has left the hockey world both confused and deeply entertained, legendary NHL coach John Tortorella has been named head coach of the Tucson Rock Lobsters’ U12, U10, and U8 teams. Yes, all three. At once.

The fiery bench boss, known for his blunt interviews and volcanic temper, will now be tasked with managing line changes among kids who still tie their skates like pretzels.

“Listen, I don’t care if they’re eight years old,” Tortorella barked at his introductory press conference, which took place in front of a snack bar stocked with Capri Suns and Goldfish crackers. “If you don’t backcheck, you don’t play. I don’t care if your mom drove the carpool. No excuses.”

Parents at the press conference seemed both excited and mildly terrified. “We just wanted a coach who could maybe teach our kids how to stop without falling over,” said one Rock Lobster mom. “Instead, we got a guy who benched Rick Nash once. I guess that’s… good?”

Tortorella insists he’s ready to bring discipline and structure to the program. “The Rock Lobsters will play a north-south game. None of this figure-eight stuff in our own zone. And if anyone cries when they get a penalty, guess what? Suicide sprints. Let’s go.”

When asked how he plans to juggle all three age groups, Tortorella didn’t hesitate. “Doesn’t matter if it’s the U12s or the U8s, hockey’s hockey. We’re blocking shots, we’re grinding in the corners, and if little Timmy doesn’t want to buy in, then little Timmy can ride the pine.”

The Rock Lobsters’ first test under Torts will be next weekend against the feared Scottsdale Scorpions. Early reports suggest the U8s have already started practicing a 1-3-1 neutral zone trap.